


Alone in the Dark

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Insomnia, Loneliness, Origami, kalluto needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kalluto does origami late at night (early in the morning?) and thinks about life
Kudos: 10





	Alone in the Dark

Kalluto Zoldyck was no stranger to insomnia. When he was younger, the Zoldycks' unique parenting style had affected his sleep. The night always brought it back. He'd cry in his sleep, or not sleep at all and instead watch the minutes tick away. Killua had called it night terrors. It seemed a fitting name. A Zoldyck was supposed to be a creature of the night, lurking in the shadows, but Kalluto just couldn't do it. He hated not sleep, but what it brought.

On some of the bad nights, he'd tiptoe to Killua's room. Killua knew the problem (he struggled with it too, but hid it) and never minded being woken up. Kalluto would sit on the edge of his bed, turn on the night light, and they'd talk for hours about what was wrong. Killua never contributed much in these discussions.

But that had been years ago. Kalluto was a stronger person now, mentally and physically. That had been their closest time spent as siblings, and they only drifted apart over the years, as Kalluto became the object of Kikiyou's controlling, doting love. When Killua left for the second time, around a year ago, Kalluto had missed him. He'd written so many letters to no one, telling all of his secrets, spilling all of his feelings, and then hid them in his room. He'd eventually throw them all away too. 

A Zoldyck doesn't need feelings. In the same way Illumi had drilled the uselessness of friends into Killua's head, that had been his message to Kalluto. You don't need feelings. The message stuck, and Kalluto eventually stopped showing any emotion. It wasn't gone, like Illumi’s, but hidden. There was a lump of crystalline emotion in Kalluto's heart at all times. It was almost impossible for him to access, but he knew he needed to, every once in a while, to stay sane. That was what tonight had been for.

He'd had this planned since this morning. He'd made an attempt to tap into the feelings in his heart, alone, away from the Zoldyck's omniscient eyes. He had let out his feelings and cried quietly, not quite sure about what. Overall, it had been a beneficial experience. Until  _ that  _ thought had come.

It hadn’t been anything special, just the memory of the look in Killua's eyes after he left for the second time. He hadn't even bothered to look at Kalluto. His brother hadn't said a word to him the brief time he was home! He'd run off on his merry way, with that  _ Gon _ boy.  _ Gon.  _ Kalluto didn't even know where to start. He was jealous? Was that the word? He didn't know. Killua, his favorite person, his only friend, had run off without a second thought. Kalluto knew, deep down, that this was unfair. None of this was Gon's fault, and it was unfair to Killua. Nonetheless, it still hurt. All of this had suddenly popped into Kalluto's head, and had left him shell-shocked, spiraling into the abyss of thought.

Why?

Why had Killua left?

Was it his fault?

Had he done something wrong?

Why was "Kalluto" always spoken with a mild distaste?

Why was he always the second, third, or fourth choice?

Did anyone really love him?

**Why?**

As Kalluto's conscious thought spiraled downwards like a crazy roller-coaster, some small, rational part of his brain tried to throw down a rope, so to speak, and avoid letting him get washed away completely. It didn't work. The half-finished peacock slipped out of his hand. Was he standing up? When had that happened? He sat back down on the floor. 

Kalluto's breathing had been pointedly faster. He’d noticed, even in the fuzzy state of mind that accompanied panic. He’d thought of the breathing Illumi had taught him. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Granted, Illumi had taught it to him as a way to endure pain, but that doesn't matter now. His head had been spinning. Lack of oxygen? His brain had told him. Kalluto was well trained in extracting information from people. He knew the signs of panic. 

Kalluto had sat there, for several minutes, feeling trapped in his own head, before he noticed he was chewing his nails. He’d never been as talented as Killua at the Nail Knife technique. He noticed a small curve on the top of his right pointer finger nail, as if it was starting to grow to cover the finger. He realized that this curve was due to the hundreds of creases he’d put into paper over the years, deforming the nail due to frequent pressure. It was kind of strange that he’d never noticed it. The nail was also noticeably shorter than the others on that hand.

These seemingly random thoughts were enough to snap him out of it. He got out the small box of origami paper from the drawer. Since he was a baby, Kalluto had been fond of repetitive tasks. It was easy, and calmed him down. In, out. Up, down. Simple. He went through the motions to produce a small purple chicken. Negative thoughts still stirred in the back of his mind, but he put them away. A Zoldyck doesn't need feelings. 

Up, pinch, diagonal, crease, down, crease. It was a dance of the fingers, one that Kalluto had done many times. Little paper shapes, small, and yet complicated. It was soothing. He finished this one, a rooster about the size of a quarter, and set it on the nightstand. He'd throw it away eventually. He never kept anything he made. Everything was temporary in life. 

The rooster was a simple fold, easy to memorize. At least for Kalluto. It was all easy. He picked another square of decorative paper from the box next to him. His fingers almost seemed to work of their own accord. He noticed a small tremble in his hands, but pretended not to see.

Kalluto was only half-aware of what he was doing, his fingers doing the elegant ballet they were used to. Crane, box, penguin, shuriken, then pig. The pig was his favorite. The head always came out looking realistic, but the body was basically two triangles. It looked pretty funny. He set it down on the nightstand, feeling absolutely tired and ready for sleep. As he was wrangling the blanket, the pig fell off the nightstand. He couldn’t muster the energy to care.

For once, sleep came easily. His head was completely free of thought, which was unusual. Kalluto was usually hyper aware of his surroundings and his thoughts were rarely quiet. Another product of a Zoldyck upbringing. 

It was dark.

He was alone.

When he awoke the next morning, it was ten thirty. Ten thirty! His parents wouldn’t like that. Kalluto was usually an early riser, up by seven thirty every day. Once again, he didn’t care. He  _ wanted _ to sleep, for once in his life.

He dragged himself out of bed, and went through the daily motions of the morning with a robotic process. Perhaps something special would happen today. It didn’t. Nor the day after, or the day after, not for a long, long time. Life marched on, not particularly good, not particularly bad. It just was. 

Until it did.

The whole family was gathered around the screens monitoring Alluka. Kalluto would know the person inside with her anywhere. It was Killua! He was back! But why was he visiting Alluka? That was strictly forbidden. Listening in, Kalluto gathered the story. 

_ Oh. _

Killua would be leaving again, taking Alluka with him. 

_ “What about me?!”  _ he wanted to yell. But he didn’t. He knew better. 

He was alone again.

It was dark.

**Author's Note:**

> i've been doing origami since i was six. yes my fingernails curve, yes it is weird  
> all of the origami mentioned is real and i have made them.   
>  I made up a name for the fingernail thing killua does for conevenience  
> i'm projecting a little bit since my siblings left for college, perhaps i'm a little lonely too  
> My first fic, lemme know what you all think


End file.
